TOTAL CONGESTION PLANS FOR LONDON
As reported in the national press recently, traffic congestion in London has increased since the introduction of the congestion charge. A spokesperson attributed this to disruption of traffic by work on water mains. However, from a highly confidential report of which In-Between has obtained a copy, that disruption is all part of a larger plan to bring traffic in London to a complete standstill.
As the report explains, the foundations were laid during the days of the old GLC when traffic was altered at certain cross-roads to permit right turns where previously they were not allowed. At the same time, the timing of the traffic lights was so arranged that very few cars could actually turn right, leading to a long tail-back and putting a whole lane of traffic out of action (eg Cromwell Road heading east, and North End Road).
Next, some of the enthusiasts in Council Social Services departments began to influence policies in the transport departments. In the name of elfansaiftie, sleeping policemen were installed in roads, though not requested by the residents. (The term “sleeping policepersons” was rejected on the grounds that anti-male-chauvinism had to be maintained- it had to be “sleeping policemen” to emphasize that the males were indeed asleep).
The next step was to extend the hours of resident parking from 6.30 PM to 10.00 PM, though there have never been more than a fifth of the residents in favour anywhere. The additional money from parking fines (which have risen five-fold in the last eight years) is being invested in more speed cameras, and CCTV schemes to issue more parking tickets.
Then came to the congestion charge. To make congestion more effective, transport persons secured the cooperation of water works operatives, by the careful coordination of road works to cause maximum disruption.
In case these schemes do not bring traffic to a standstill, a tramway is planned from Uxbridge to Shepherd’s Bush. The north side of the Green will be entirely taken up by the Terminus, and there will be two-way traffic on the other two sides, guaranteeing total gridlock. Should even that fail, there are plans to build a tunnel all round underneath the M25, supposedly to “relieve congestion”. Signs will indicate that there is no speed limit, which will attract certain drivers, and the tunnel is planned to have many entry points but hardly any exits. It is hoped that the fumes will do their work, and the expected “tragedy”, as the media will call it, will be blamed on fast driving.
Ken surely knows about this- but does Boris?
